Here lies dead angels & dreams...

Trying to reduce the panic by taking a bath. We’ll see how it goes

I don’t know what’s wrong but I’m panicking! Jordan told me he was going into work from 9-12 last minute and I am freaking the fuck out for no reason. I prob wasn’t going to see him till then anyway and this doesn’t really effect me so why am I two seconds away from a panic attack?!?!

I may have loved you, but I did not do so truly. I doubt I even loved you, I thought I loved who I believed you were. Who I wanted you to be. I fooled myself into loving our story. And our story was far more than we actually were. It was still beautiful when you were abusing me. Now it’s all just scars and lies.

I’m so glad we’re ok but I am so mad at them!

Traveling with A always stresses me out. Her being a bitch made it worse. And Boston traffic almost giving me panic attacks about sums up my day.

Hmmm I wonder why we didn’t have sex last night?

Maybe it was because after being with those two all day and having them both constantly ripping at us in some way, we didn’t feel remotely sexual. Or maybe it was all the hurt they caused ruining our intimacy.

Fuck them is the point. 

I will NEVER be treated less than I deserve. I have learned that the hard way.

You don’t treat me like shit.

Fuck you.

OMG my new job allows its associates same sex partners to use their discount like any other immediate family member :’) Even if the state that Petco is in does not allow same sex marriage!!

I know it seems silly but that fucking rocks!

I’m not sure why people continue to surprise me with their hate and stupid social “morals” bullshit.

Someone posted a picture on facebook of a story about some couple telling their 3 and 4 year old that their uncle is gay. It went well. 

Some asshole posted a comment asking “Child: but mom, we learned about making babies…how do they do it?”

First, it is none of this person’s buisiness! Second: They are three and four, if they know how babies are made you have a whole different problem. Third: Why the fuck would you post that on an obviously pro-gay status?

Then my brother’s GF posted a status about how guys can have as much sex as they want but when girls do the same they are judged and harassed for it. Some ass posted the old “shitty lock, masterful key” bullshit. Then another ass said sex is only for procreation so expect stds, pregnancy, and judgement. I pointed out that even the bible says sex is recreational. So some random girl says IT ALSO SAYS WITHIN THE CONFINES OF MARRIAGE DON’T LEAVE THAT OUT JUST TO PROVE YOUR POINT. I didn’t need it, the point wasn’t wether sex before marriage was ok, just what it was for. I responded with I knew that, I don’t agree with the bible but this one thing it had right. Then they don’t me if I don’t agree with it I shouldn’t quote it. Ummm that’s how you argue with evidence, quoting. The bible is a freely sold book most people have access to. I can quote whatever I damn well please, ESPECIALLY the bible. 

Ugh I am just so sick of all this shit!

I spent a crappy weekend with Jordan and his family and had more fun than I could have imagined. 3 whole days together and I’m still sad to have to sleep alone, be left alone for a while. Even though it was freezing and raining, and everything at Panteria was cancelled I still had a really good time.

Plus his friend J gave me the best hug ever and I always think she didn’t like me so it was the absolute best!

I got to pet ponies too.

We came home Saturday night (early) because it was going to snow. We got back at 10pm so his dad comes upstairs and says “She can just stay here, no need to go running off. I’m fine with that. Just have her stay here.” Which felt soooooo good to hear! I went home Sunday and kept telling Jordan whenever he wanted to go home and “potato” was fine, but we spent the whole day together. He went down on me for the first time in forever because I FINALLY wasn’t bleeding. And got me off for the first time that way! Then again. He was so turned on that he just ripped his clothes off and asked “May I?” I practically squealed in desire. It was AWESOME. Then we slept like rocks for 3 hours. His alarm clock nearly gave him a heart attack, so I told him to spoon me so my heart could help his slow down.

It was an amazing weekend and I’m more in love with him every second.

We also avoided the cunt ex of his and her friend who’s also my ex-friend who decided to hate me for breaking up with my ex even though she hated him and he was abusive and she was friends with Jordan but hates him now too. Ugh. Either way we successfully avoided them both except for when Sam was washing her hands, but I ignored the hell out of her and walked away unharassed. 

He was being so sweet to me. 

But last night I got sleepy while he was playing skyrim so I lay down with my head on his belly and accidentally fell asleep! Instead of being upset or uncomfortable he played happily on, stroking my hair and face whenever the game was loading something new.

I love him so damn much <3

There are like 8 different things I could be panicing about right now and I’m doing so, trying not to dissolve into a panic attack.

You don’t have to be brave to show off your boobs. Stop calling people cowardly for not wanting to submit pictures of themselves to you!

Except, maybe I do belong in this century. It’s just… With you.

I don’t want to be married or whatever because I want everything to be fixed. I want it because I can think of nothing better than to be committed to you, us, and me for the rest of our lives.

I think damaged things are pretty in their own way. Some are destructive, and become hideous through their infliction of pain on others. But damaged things are not the problem, they are bizare beauty.

We haven’t even left Wok Inn and I already want to go home :/

At least there are kittens waiting for me at home.

So when I asked you about it the first time, and we agreed that they hadn’t given you notice I was right, but you deny me in front of A? Fuck you.